Ask A Feminist: What About Polygamy?

So I have a question. You feminist types were all in for legal same-sex marriage, right? How come you’re not crusading for legal polygamist marriages, hmmm?

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Ah, the oh-so-common slippery slope idea. If same sex marriages are to be legal, why not other kinds of marriages? Why not polygamy or polyandry or marriage to animals or that lady who married a roller coaster? 

Why indeed?

I’m going to dispense with the ideas of marrying animals or inanimate objects because they cannot give consent. For the sake of this discussion, marriage has to involve people, of legal age, who can say “I do.” (Or write it or say it with ASL or pantomime it or whatever.) So there will be no goats or automobiles in bridal veils here.

That leaves us with the notion of polyamorous configurations. Most of the time when you hear about plural marriages, you think of that family from Sister Wives with one dude and a bunch of women. However, that barely scrapes the surface of the possibilities in poly relationships. I’m no mathematician, but I’m pretty sure there are endless ways to combine different numbers of people in loving, committed relationships. And as long as everyone involved is affirmatively consenting to the arrangement, I say it’s all good.

However, “all good” does not mean “all legally recognized.” There are some inherent problems in trying to fit poly relationships into the existing legal structure of civil marriage in America. I wrote about this idea a few years ago on my blog in reference to the family on Sister Wives and my questions remain the same:

For example, if Kody fell off his motorcycle and smashed his helmet-less head and died, should all four of his wives be entitled to full survivor benefits from Social Security? Or would they have to split the payments four ways? You might say they should split it but that would open the door to religious discrimination claims against the government for not recognizing all the marriages equally. And what about power of attorney and medical proxy decision? Would hospitals have to accept consensus decisions in cases like that? And how would they proceed in the event that one spouse could not be reached? 

Perhaps there is a legal scholar who could figure out a way to include poly marriages into the existing paradigm of American marriage, but I am not that scholar. If a legal scholar were to put forth a workable solution, I would be as accepting of that as I am of the legal recognition of monogamist marriages of all types. Because feminism, as we all know, is about making sure people of all genders can make the choices that are best for them.

Now, just because I don’t see a path toward legal recognition of polyamorous relationships, I also don’t see any reason they should be criminal. Yes, I do realize there have been hideous cases of religious cults that force  non-consenting* underage girls into marriages with older men. That should remain criminal, because it’s child abuse and sexual assault, which are crimes no matter what you call them. But families like the one on Sister Wives or couples who each have a lover in addition to their main partner or a grouping of three people who live and love together or whatever, that’s fine. It really is. 

I guess what I’m really saying is that I don’t see any moral rationale for feminists to reject poly relationships. I, as an individual feminist, do not see a clear path to legalizing poly relationships, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be one someday. When that path is revealed, I’ll be happy to walk with poly families.

*I know I keep talking about consent in this piece. That’s because I’m talking about sex and sex requires consent. Every time. No exceptions. Always ask for consent. You can do it like a lawyer and say “Do you consent to this” or you can make it sexy and say “Do you like this, baby?” That’s up to you. Just get the consent from your partner, m’kay?